I can say this though I changed up a few of my profiles on Easter changed them 
some more since then. I noticed some errors in some so I fixed the errors. I 
just have to let people know how happy I am. I can't help it.
I had to take out the background picture,and revise this text file since I 
couldn’t get it to show up right on any web server that I uploaded it to. It was 
a real cute Pokemon background of Pikachu that I love a lot. It looked like a 
lot of unreadable junk on each,and every web server I uploaded it to. I have put 
a lot of work in to getting this posted on the internet since getting it posted 
up on the internet was so important to me.
I do know that my sn will be on a lot longer than I will be looking at my 
computer now while I watch some TV,and some other things while I download some 
files from a download manager to empty it out. Besides I have to take breaks 
from looking at the computer. Mom has been getting on my case about that,getting 
in the bed late not that it was usually on purpose most of the time.
I didn't have much of a choice Friday night before Easter after getting that im. 
After all it took me over an hour to type up my feelings. Saturday night it was 
a Christian that im'd me about my profile. To think I had unless I have talked 
to you before in my profile don't ask me what's wrong that is exactly what he 
did but I couldn't talk because I had to take a bath so I didn't. I do recall 
that Saturday all of that fighting was driving me crazy. My thoughts kept going 
on,and on all day. I'm like told myself in my mind I don't know how many times 
to shut up. It wasn't until after I read Stephanie's email Friday morning with 
all of that advice in it that took a while to read that I realized that I needed 
to face reality. That was the most important thing. I did that immediately after 
talking to my Sunday School teacher Saturday night.
I do know one thing,and it is that I had a great Easter. I won't ever forget 
this Easter. What I learned was that I was depending on people to help me with 
my problems when I should have been depending on the Lord instead. I know that 
it wasn't counciling that I really needed to help me through this but the Lord 
that I really needed to help me through it. I know that with his help my 
feelings were already starting to heal when I got up Easter morning. I may not 
have realized everything at one time though but I did see it especially after 
hearing that song at church Easter morning that was like speaking about the 
problem I had been having,that song had something to do with trusting in him,I 
actually listened to the words of the song more than anything else then my mind 
was in deep thought because it had helped me to see somethings that I needed to 
see,like how much I should have gone ahead,and given this to him 3 weeks ago 
when my happiness was shattered by the hurt feelings I had because my hurt 
feelings,and my happy feelings were fighting but my hurt feelings won the fight 
but this time it was the other way around because I asked the Lord for help when 
I prayed to him Saturday night,& asked him to help me with the fighting on the 
inside to heal my hurt feelings to help me to trust in him like I should as a 
Christian to help me to face the truth of what really happened to help me to 
forgive myself. Because I did that I am not feeling so sad bad any more. I see 
now that I should have never blamed myself for any of this since it wasn't my 
fault. I also learned that the Lord really can help me with anything. I finally 
learned how to trust in the Lord like I should as a Christian.
I realize now that the reason I am so lonely is because I am at home so much of 
the time. I also realized how much I really do need my offline friends because 
they keep me from being so lonely. I miss my friends a lot. I do know that I 
have 2 local online friends that I will get to meet one day. One is Chelle, the 
other is my newest local online friend Shailen who is from another country who I 
have found shares the same interests I have. I have had to miss my ABE,and my 
ADL classes this school year because of my headaches,my TMJ,and I have also had 
to miss a lot of church. To much as far as I'm concerned. I hate having to miss. 
I may have had a bad headache Easter morning but I didn't let it stop me from 
going besides it wasn't that bad when we left but it was real bad after Sunday 
School was over. Besides that I was really excited about going to church so much 
so that it made no difference to me besides no way would I miss church on 
Easter.
I am going to start calling my friends more often. Jill is always so busy,and 
isn't home most of the time when I call. To bad she is the only friend I have 
that wants to do things with me. Then guys don't ever ask me out on a date. I 
would ask but I don't know any guys to ask out. I don't ever have anyone to play 
with. I love to play games. I am looking forward to the Spring Festival at 
church on the first of May. I also look forward to going back to Camp Smile this 
year. I want to smile but I can't even if I want to. If I do it usually just 
happens on it's own. I do plan to talk to my friend Margeret that I made at Camp 
Smile last year,and invite her to come to church since she doesn't go to church 
anywhere. I told her all about my Sunday School class, and she sounded really 
excited about wanting to come. I have her phone number since we exchanged phone 
numbers with each other. We were in the same cabin with the same counciler.
I am going to be doing different things from now on like watching TV,and not 
just look at my computer so much of the time while I download are upload 
something. I feel like doing stuff again. I am totally excited about everything 
enough to laugh over nothing. I am real anxious to get rid of these headaches 
once,and for all. Can't wait to go to Physical Therapy. Physical Therapy always 
helps. But it doesn't just help my head but my jaw as well. But it isn't for my 
TMJ because it isn't covered by insurance that way,and we had to stop going over 
3 years ago because we couldn't afford it not even with my money. But since it 
is just for headaches it is covered by insurance. To bad TMJ isn't covered by 
insurance because more people who have it would go to the doctor like my friend 
Nancy if it was. Once I get rid of these headaches I will be able to do what I 
really want to do,and that is getting out of the house more often.
There is more of a difference in my happiness now than there was earlier today. 
I would have to say that I am doing one thing that Samson would want me to do,& 
it is smile on the inside,and the outside. After all he did tell me that I 
needed to smile on the inside,and the outside.
I did have a couple of online friends Seeyikes,and MartinRPG trying to cheer me 
up. I am so happy that I just have to let everyone know how happy I am. I am 
going to start telling my jokes again not ones that are funny but ones that are 
fun to do that I used to do all the time in high school in fact I made all of 
them up but they are always different each time. What I do is say give me 5,on 
the side,break the stick I have my fingers together,and you have to move them 
apart,then shake hands,and then I the last part is something then your so,and 
so. Everybody loves my jokes. I haven't done them in a long time. I feel like 
doing them now. Just maybe it would help me to make more friends in the Youth 
Group at church. I remember that during the summer I was feeling down because I 
didn't have many friends in the Youth Group I talked to Brother Brian who told 
me not to be discouraged because it will take time. I'm not giving up on making 
friends. Besides there are some anime fans in the youth group. I am going to use 
the things that I love to do to help make new friends. Besides I am pretty 
popular with the youth for some strange reason. I was real popular with the 
youth where I used to go to church West Mobile,and made friends a lot faster 
because the youth were always wanting to talk to me but where I go now the youth 
aren't like that. Brenda is but the others aren't. But since I have had to miss 
so much church being there on Wednesday nights with the youth in the youth room 
because of my headaches I can't very well make any new friends. I have had to 
miss a lot of church since October,November because I started doing what was 
best for me because for a while mom helped me to see what was best for me but 
now she tells me you have to make that decision for yourself depending on how 
much pain I am in. That one Wednesday night I was in so much pain that I was 
like I should have stayed home. In fact that one Sunday night I went to church 
for youth drama practice only to have to call home after drama practice was over 
boy did Brother Brian get on to me about not coming to church when you are in a 
lot of pain so I haven't. In fact I had to do that one time after Sunday School 
since mom just dropped me off,and left. So now if I am in a lot of pain I will 
sometimes go to Sunday School any way but then go home after wards but if not I 
just stay home.
I love Sunday School,and I also love my Sunday School teacher. It is great to 
understand my Sunday School lesson. That is one of the main reasons I love it so 
much,and it is nice to fit in for once. When you are different it is real hard 
to fit in. Before I learned to accept my being different I tried everything even 
if I couldn't do it because I just wanted to fit in so badly. Once I was trying 
to do that move for one of the songs we sang, and the next thing I knew I lost 
my balance,and fell. I have to be careful jumping now because the last time I 
jumped I lost my balance,and I was on my rearend before I noticed what was going 
on.
At least the people where I go to church understand about my being different 
about my accidents. Not everybody does. I was accused of having them on purpose 
once by somebody who didn't understand. I maybe different but I am smart. Smart 
enough to be bored to death in high school because I was being taught stuff I 
already knew. Especially in my best subjects spelling,english, and reading. Was 
in an 8th grade alternative reading class in the 9th grade. I may have been the 
slowest one in the class but I learned a lot in it that I wouldn't have learned 
other wise. Math is my worst subject. Math is 6th grade still stuck on hard 
fractions. I want to one day make it past fractions.
I don't ever remember being this happy before in my life. I want to smile,and I 
even feel like laughing about things now where I didn't used to want to laugh at 
all about anything.
The youth where I go to church are learning about people who are different by my 
being in the youth group. By my being in my Sunday School class I am learning 
what it is like to be around people who are different like I am. I may not 
always be able to sing out loud to worship the Lord because of my TMJ but I do 
worship him in my mind by singing that way since it only matters that he hears 
you singing not anyone else.
Even though I may have found out that one of my pen pals didn't want to be my 
friend I have found a new online friend who said that he would be willing to be 
my friend in responce to the email I sent him. I think that it is great that I 
have a new friend now. I do hope that one day that the person who doesn't want 
to be my friend any more will change his mind one day. I also hope that he will 
see that I see people online as more than just words on a screen one day. Even 
though he may not want to be my friend I will be remembering him in those old 
emails,and the text files of our im's. I won't ever forget him. I will always 
hold a special place for him in my heart. For me both my online friends,and my 
offline friends are important to me. I do know as a Christian that the Lord can 
use you both online,and offline. There are a few Christian online friends that 
are very dear to me. They are Stephanie my very first pen pal,my very first 
online friend,my friend that I made in January Samson because of all the help 
they have given me,as well as my friends aj,whatisnarf,my friend micazn,my 
friend Catalina,and my second online friend my local friend Chelle. They mean a 
lot to me. So do my new online Christian friends. My online friends Martin, and 
Seeyikes are just as important to me. So are all of my online pen pals even if 
they don't realize how important they are to me. TuxedoMask may not realize how 
important he is to me but I hope that,& pray that one day he will realize that. 
There maybe people like a certain person that I don't like that don't care about 
people online but I do,and I always will but won't have anything to do with 
people who don't care at all about people online. I know that TuxedoMask cares 
about me because of all of the advice he has given me. I have a new friend that 
has the same last name I do that I found through his profile. I only look at 
profiles for pen pals now not the message boards although that is how I found 
some of my online friends that I have now. I didn't have very many online 
friends until January. It was like all of a sudden I started getting all of 
these online friends at the sametime are something like that. I do plan to make 
sure that they know I care about them. Besides I want my friends,and pen pals to 
see how important they actually are to me, and to know how much I do care about 
them. Shailen is also important to me as a friend. I recently found out that I 
have a friend I didn't even know I had who had wondered why I hadn't been 
posting on the message boards. I don't know much about my newest online friend 
yet but he is important to me.
I do know that now I am so happy that I just want to do everything at least 
that's how I feel on the inside. I want to have fun. I especially hate not 
having somebody to play games with. I love to have fun like at Camp Smile but I 
never get to have fun like at Camp Smile since I don't have anyone to play with 
but myself. Not that I play as much as I used to. I don't go out to play when I 
have a headache at all. I sometimes have dizzy spells,and that is from my 
TMJ,and I have a hard time trying to keep myself from having an accident. 
Haven't had one in a long time fortunately. I have been lucky enough to catch 
myself to keep myself from falling down that's why. But I can tell if I am real 
dizzy,and my balance feels like it is out of whack that I need to hold on to the 
wall are something to keep me from falling. I don't normally jump right in the 
floor on my rearend when I jump but I don't jump any more not after that last 
time.
I just started Physical Therapy yesterday,and I am already starting to feel 
better. It has been a year this month since I was in Physical Therapy the last 
time. I am looking forward to getting my life back to normal after several 
months,and being able to do what I really want to do. I don't have a headache at 
all right now. It is great to not have a headache. Tuesday even though I was on 
my computer all day I didn't have a headache at all that day.