I can say this though I changed up a few of my profiles on Easter changed them some more since then. I noticed some errors in some so I fixed the errors. I just have to let people know how happy I am. I can't help it.
I had to take out the background picture,and revise this text file since I couldn’t get it to show up right on any web server that I uploaded it to. It was a real cute Pokemon background of Pikachu that I love a lot. It looked like a lot of unreadable junk on each,and every web server I uploaded it to. I have put a lot of work in to getting this posted on the internet since getting it posted up on the internet was so important to me.
I do know that my sn will be on a lot longer than I will be looking at my computer now while I watch some TV,and some other things while I download some files from a download manager to empty it out. Besides I have to take breaks from looking at the computer. Mom has been getting on my case about that,getting in the bed late not that it was usually on purpose most of the time.
I didn't have much of a choice Friday night before Easter after getting that im. After all it took me over an hour to type up my feelings. Saturday night it was a Christian that im'd me about my profile. To think I had unless I have talked to you before in my profile don't ask me what's wrong that is exactly what he did but I couldn't talk because I had to take a bath so I didn't. I do recall that Saturday all of that fighting was driving me crazy. My thoughts kept going on,and on all day. I'm like told myself in my mind I don't know how many times to shut up. It wasn't until after I read Stephanie's email Friday morning with all of that advice in it that took a while to read that I realized that I needed to face reality. That was the most important thing. I did that immediately after talking to my Sunday School teacher Saturday night.
I do know one thing,and it is that I had a great Easter. I won't ever forget this Easter. What I learned was that I was depending on people to help me with my problems when I should have been depending on the Lord instead. I know that it wasn't counciling that I really needed to help me through this but the Lord that I really needed to help me through it. I know that with his help my feelings were already starting to heal when I got up Easter morning. I may not have realized everything at one time though but I did see it especially after hearing that song at church Easter morning that was like speaking about the problem I had been having,that song had something to do with trusting in him,I actually listened to the words of the song more than anything else then my mind was in deep thought because it had helped me to see somethings that I needed to see,like how much I should have gone ahead,and given this to him 3 weeks ago when my happiness was shattered by the hurt feelings I had because my hurt feelings,and my happy feelings were fighting but my hurt feelings won the fight but this time it was the other way around because I asked the Lord for help when I prayed to him Saturday night,& asked him to help me with the fighting on the inside to heal my hurt feelings to help me to trust in him like I should as a Christian to help me to face the truth of what really happened to help me to forgive myself. Because I did that I am not feeling so sad bad any more. I see now that I should have never blamed myself for any of this since it wasn't my fault. I also learned that the Lord really can help me with anything. I finally learned how to trust in the Lord like I should as a Christian.
I realize now that the reason I am so lonely is because I am at home so much of the time. I also realized how much I really do need my offline friends because they keep me from being so lonely. I miss my friends a lot. I do know that I have 2 local online friends that I will get to meet one day. One is Chelle, the other is my newest local online friend Shailen who is from another country who I have found shares the same interests I have. I have had to miss my ABE,and my ADL classes this school year because of my headaches,my TMJ,and I have also had to miss a lot of church. To much as far as I'm concerned. I hate having to miss. I may have had a bad headache Easter morning but I didn't let it stop me from going besides it wasn't that bad when we left but it was real bad after Sunday School was over. Besides that I was really excited about going to church so much so that it made no difference to me besides no way would I miss church on Easter.
I am going to start calling my friends more often. Jill is always so busy,and isn't home most of the time when I call. To bad she is the only friend I have that wants to do things with me. Then guys don't ever ask me out on a date. I would ask but I don't know any guys to ask out. I don't ever have anyone to play with. I love to play games. I am looking forward to the Spring Festival at church on the first of May. I also look forward to going back to Camp Smile this year. I want to smile but I can't even if I want to. If I do it usually just happens on it's own. I do plan to talk to my friend Margeret that I made at Camp Smile last year,and invite her to come to church since she doesn't go to church anywhere. I told her all about my Sunday School class, and she sounded really excited about wanting to come. I have her phone number since we exchanged phone numbers with each other. We were in the same cabin with the same counciler.
I am going to be doing different things from now on like watching TV,and not just look at my computer so much of the time while I download are upload something. I feel like doing stuff again. I am totally excited about everything enough to laugh over nothing. I am real anxious to get rid of these headaches once,and for all. Can't wait to go to Physical Therapy. Physical Therapy always helps. But it doesn't just help my head but my jaw as well. But it isn't for my TMJ because it isn't covered by insurance that way,and we had to stop going over 3 years ago because we couldn't afford it not even with my money. But since it is just for headaches it is covered by insurance. To bad TMJ isn't covered by insurance because more people who have it would go to the doctor like my friend Nancy if it was. Once I get rid of these headaches I will be able to do what I really want to do,and that is getting out of the house more often.
There is more of a difference in my happiness now than there was earlier today. I would have to say that I am doing one thing that Samson would want me to do,& it is smile on the inside,and the outside. After all he did tell me that I needed to smile on the inside,and the outside.
I did have a couple of online friends Seeyikes,and MartinRPG trying to cheer me up. I am so happy that I just have to let everyone know how happy I am. I am going to start telling my jokes again not ones that are funny but ones that are fun to do that I used to do all the time in high school in fact I made all of them up but they are always different each time. What I do is say give me 5,on the side,break the stick I have my fingers together,and you have to move them apart,then shake hands,and then I the last part is something then your so,and so. Everybody loves my jokes. I haven't done them in a long time. I feel like doing them now. Just maybe it would help me to make more friends in the Youth Group at church. I remember that during the summer I was feeling down because I didn't have many friends in the Youth Group I talked to Brother Brian who told me not to be discouraged because it will take time. I'm not giving up on making friends. Besides there are some anime fans in the youth group. I am going to use the things that I love to do to help make new friends. Besides I am pretty popular with the youth for some strange reason. I was real popular with the youth where I used to go to church West Mobile,and made friends a lot faster because the youth were always wanting to talk to me but where I go now the youth aren't like that. Brenda is but the others aren't. But since I have had to miss so much church being there on Wednesday nights with the youth in the youth room because of my headaches I can't very well make any new friends. I have had to miss a lot of church since October,November because I started doing what was best for me because for a while mom helped me to see what was best for me but now she tells me you have to make that decision for yourself depending on how much pain I am in. That one Wednesday night I was in so much pain that I was like I should have stayed home. In fact that one Sunday night I went to church for youth drama practice only to have to call home after drama practice was over boy did Brother Brian get on to me about not coming to church when you are in a lot of pain so I haven't. In fact I had to do that one time after Sunday School since mom just dropped me off,and left. So now if I am in a lot of pain I will sometimes go to Sunday School any way but then go home after wards but if not I just stay home.
I love Sunday School,and I also love my Sunday School teacher. It is great to understand my Sunday School lesson. That is one of the main reasons I love it so much,and it is nice to fit in for once. When you are different it is real hard to fit in. Before I learned to accept my being different I tried everything even if I couldn't do it because I just wanted to fit in so badly. Once I was trying to do that move for one of the songs we sang, and the next thing I knew I lost my balance,and fell. I have to be careful jumping now because the last time I jumped I lost my balance,and I was on my rearend before I noticed what was going on.
At least the people where I go to church understand about my being different about my accidents. Not everybody does. I was accused of having them on purpose once by somebody who didn't understand. I maybe different but I am smart. Smart enough to be bored to death in high school because I was being taught stuff I already knew. Especially in my best subjects spelling,english, and reading. Was in an 8th grade alternative reading class in the 9th grade. I may have been the slowest one in the class but I learned a lot in it that I wouldn't have learned other wise. Math is my worst subject. Math is 6th grade still stuck on hard fractions. I want to one day make it past fractions.
I don't ever remember being this happy before in my life. I want to smile,and I even feel like laughing about things now where I didn't used to want to laugh at all about anything.
The youth where I go to church are learning about people who are different by my being in the youth group. By my being in my Sunday School class I am learning what it is like to be around people who are different like I am. I may not always be able to sing out loud to worship the Lord because of my TMJ but I do worship him in my mind by singing that way since it only matters that he hears you singing not anyone else.
Even though I may have found out that one of my pen pals didn't want to be my friend I have found a new online friend who said that he would be willing to be my friend in responce to the email I sent him. I think that it is great that I have a new friend now. I do hope that one day that the person who doesn't want to be my friend any more will change his mind one day. I also hope that he will see that I see people online as more than just words on a screen one day. Even though he may not want to be my friend I will be remembering him in those old emails,and the text files of our im's. I won't ever forget him. I will always hold a special place for him in my heart. For me both my online friends,and my offline friends are important to me. I do know as a Christian that the Lord can use you both online,and offline. There are a few Christian online friends that are very dear to me. They are Stephanie my very first pen pal,my very first online friend,my friend that I made in January Samson because of all the help they have given me,as well as my friends aj,whatisnarf,my friend micazn,my friend Catalina,and my second online friend my local friend Chelle. They mean a lot to me. So do my new online Christian friends. My online friends Martin, and Seeyikes are just as important to me. So are all of my online pen pals even if they don't realize how important they are to me. TuxedoMask may not realize how important he is to me but I hope that,& pray that one day he will realize that. There maybe people like a certain person that I don't like that don't care about people online but I do,and I always will but won't have anything to do with people who don't care at all about people online. I know that TuxedoMask cares about me because of all of the advice he has given me. I have a new friend that has the same last name I do that I found through his profile. I only look at profiles for pen pals now not the message boards although that is how I found some of my online friends that I have now. I didn't have very many online friends until January. It was like all of a sudden I started getting all of these online friends at the sametime are something like that. I do plan to make sure that they know I care about them. Besides I want my friends,and pen pals to see how important they actually are to me, and to know how much I do care about them. Shailen is also important to me as a friend. I recently found out that I have a friend I didn't even know I had who had wondered why I hadn't been posting on the message boards. I don't know much about my newest online friend yet but he is important to me.
I do know that now I am so happy that I just want to do everything at least that's how I feel on the inside. I want to have fun. I especially hate not having somebody to play games with. I love to have fun like at Camp Smile but I never get to have fun like at Camp Smile since I don't have anyone to play with but myself. Not that I play as much as I used to. I don't go out to play when I have a headache at all. I sometimes have dizzy spells,and that is from my TMJ,and I have a hard time trying to keep myself from having an accident. Haven't had one in a long time fortunately. I have been lucky enough to catch myself to keep myself from falling down that's why. But I can tell if I am real dizzy,and my balance feels like it is out of whack that I need to hold on to the wall are something to keep me from falling. I don't normally jump right in the floor on my rearend when I jump but I don't jump any more not after that last time.
I just started Physical Therapy yesterday,and I am already starting to feel
better. It has been a year this month since I was in Physical Therapy the last
time. I am looking forward to getting my life back to normal after several
months,and being able to do what I really want to do. I don't have a headache at
all right now. It is great to not have a headache. Tuesday even though I was on
my computer all day I didn't have a headache at all that